


we’ve got one thing in common (it’s this tongue of mine)

by purepaperplate



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-04-19 12:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14237457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purepaperplate/pseuds/purepaperplate
Summary: He wakes up with the sun in his eyes and his arm outstretched, seeking her warmth while simultaneously knowing she won’t be there. Ben sighs and sits up, running a hand through his hair to pull it out of his eyes. He picks up his phone to see what time it is, memories of last night flooding him as he opens his text conversation with Rey. He knows she won’t have texted, knows she never does, but muscle memory and a touch of deluded hope drives him to open the messages app anyway.She’s got a boyfriend anyway.Inspired by the song "Sex" by The 1975.





	1. Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta Icefox416 for encouraging me to post this :) Love you!
> 
> This is my first fic so comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> (I don't own Star Wars, obviously)

He wakes up with the sun in his eyes and his arm outstretched, seeking her warmth while simultaneously knowing she won’t be there. Ben sighs and sits up, running a hand through his hair to pull it out of his eyes. He picks up his phone to see what time it is, memories of last night flooding him as he opens his text conversation with Rey. He knows she won’t have texted, knows she never does, but muscle memory and a touch of deluded hope drives him to open the messages app anyway. _She’s got a boyfriend anyway_.

Their last conversation was from Thursday afternoon:

Rey:

12:06pm – I’ve got an hour before my next class are you busy??

Ben:

12:08pm – i’ll pick u up send me ur location

Ten minutes later she was hopping in his passenger seat of his van and pulling off her shoes. “Jeez, Rey, in a hurry?” he smirks, pulling the car around and out of the parking lot. “Oh fuck off, Solo. Finn’s only out of town for one more day.” He chuckles and turns away from her to hide the wince of pain he feels at her words. _She’s got a boyfriend anyway_. He knows this, logically, he does, but every time she texts him, a small part of him hopes it’s to tell him that she’s dumped her boyfriend. 

It takes all of his willpower not to ask why she only wants to see him when she’s desperate, not to try and hold her after they have sex, or ask her to spend the night. He has to constantly bite his tongue to keep from telling her he’s been in love with her since she fell asleep curled against him while they “watched” a movie he can’t remember anymore because all of his senses had zeroed in on _her_.

When they reach his apartment she grabs her high tops and her backpack and climbs out. Ben exhales deeply, hands on the steering wheel, and tells himself that if they’re going to do anything they might as well just fuck, but he knows deep down that he wants more with her.

He sees her reach the door to his apartment and takes the steps two at a time, placing his key in her outstretched palm. She opens the door and drops her bag and shoes, immediately roping her arms around his neck, pulling him into the apartment and kissing him fiercely.

“Why do you still drive that garbage heap of a car?” she teases, her laugh slightly breathless as he moves his mouth down her neck while kicking the door shut behind them. “The Falcon is a classic!” Ben protests, a small laugh slipping out. He is well aware that his car is shit, but also knows that his parents won’t part with it until it falls apart because of its “sentimental value”.

“Shut up,” she chuckles, pushing him towards his bedroom.

***

Once the clock ticks dangerously close to the time Rey should be in class, she rolls away from where they’d been almost touching and gathers her clothes from the scattered places they are thrown around Ben’s room. Rey isn’t much of a cuddler, much as Ben aches to pull her into his side and knows she’ll fit perfectly.

“I can drop you off,” he offers. She turns away from him, eyeing something at the foot of his bed, and pulls on her sweater. “No. I mean it’s fine, you don’t have to,” she stutters, avoiding eye contact and brushing her hair behind her ear.

“It’s really no problem,” Ben says, getting up and tugging on the jeans he’d dropped on the floor. Her eyes catch on his chest for a second before she’s looking away and blushing. _She’s got a boyfriend anyway_ , he shouts in his head, wishing he hadn’t seen her look of shame. He grabs his shirt off the bed and heads into the hall in search of his keys.

“You don’t have to try and fill his shoes or something,” she says softly from behind him. He stiffens and his voice cracks as he lies through his teeth; “What do you mean?”

“Finn and I are…”

_In love, I know. I can see it when you’re together_.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter,” he interrupts, trying to act casual and not guilty. He was hoping she wouldn’t catch on to the fact that he’ll take any time with her he can get. “I’m just dropping you off for class, it means nothing, you made it clear that this is just sex. I mean… we agreed on that,“ he corrects, trying not to confess it all right then and there.

She winces. “Right. It’s nothing.”

Ben wants to kick himself in the face. An apology almost flies off his tongue as their eyes catch and hold each other for long enough that he worries she’s reading his mind and pulls away. Those hazel eyes are going to kill him.

“Can’t be late, right,” he forces a smile.  
“Right.” Her smile looks just as fake.


	2. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter update this week.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left comments or kudos on chapter one :))

Rey wakes up alone in the apartment she usually shares with Finn, and steps into the unusually quiet kitchen to brew herself some tea. _He’ll be back tomorrow_ , she reminds herself, picking up her phone and debating whether or not she should text Ben.

She closes the messages app with a sigh, setting her phone on the counter resignedly, knowing if she sees him again she may not be able to keep pretending he isn’t the person she wants to be waking up to every morning. As they had stretched out on his bed in a post-coital haze every fiber of her being had wanted to reach out and curl into him, to stroke his hair and talk about something besides sex, but she knew she couldn’t. Every time she looks into his soft brown eyes she tries to convince herself they’re not her favorite color.

Instead she had gotten up and reassembled the outfit she had hastily shed earlier. As she did so she looked longingly at his t-shirt, thrown carelessly at the foot of his bed, and imagined grabbing it and pulling it on. She imagined how soft the cotton would feel against her bare skin and how it would smell like him. Her insides twist with a twinge of guilt and she shakes her head to clear the memory of his lips on her neck, her hands in his hair. _I can’t ruin this for Finn_ , she repeats in a weak attempt to distract herself from the feelings she knows are past the point of no return.

She and Finn had been friends for almost ten years, meeting through a middle school support group for kids in foster care. Since then they’d both decided to study at U of A. They had stuck together through so much and she wanted to continue to support him, but wasn’t sure if she should bring up the subject of Ben. How would he react?

Finn deserved better, she just wanted him to be happy. Then again there probably wasn’t even anything between her and Ben worth mentioning, she clearly meant nothing to him. What had even happened this afternoon?

Mentioning Finn was probably not the smartest move, but she’d rehearsed her words carefully before letting them fall from her lips. She wouldn’t tell him anything specific about Finn or their relationship but maybe Ben would understand that she liked him for more than his body. _You don’t have to try and fill his shoes or something she had said_ , mentally adding _you’re enough and perfect in your own way_. Obviously she hadn’t been clear enough. She could still hear his broken _What do you mean?_ echoing through the room, feel it like a knife in her heart. In her mind, Rey had said _I mean I have feelings for you, you dork_. Instead it had gone downhill too quickly for her to recover.

“Finn and I are…”

_Not what you think._

And then he had interrupted. _It doesn’t matter… it means nothing… just sex_. Her stomach had clenched and her breath had somehow disappeared. She had managed to choke out an agreement while her mind reeled.

Why had she approached him about sex in the first place? Was it the way he had made her entire body freeze the first time they made eye contact? The way he could make her laugh? The deep loneliness she had carried her whole life? Either way, she can only blame her current pain on her own foolishness. Everyone knew “just sex” never ended well and she had Finn to think of. But she hadn’t been able to resist. And she doesn’t regret her choice.

It’s probably time she and Finn had a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	3. Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta for taking time out of her busy week to help me with this :))))

After three hours of studying for his chemistry final, Ben decides that he can’t keep ignoring the alarmingly aggressive noises his stomach is making. He’s pretty sure that the girl next to him jumped after the last rumble.

 

He stretches and starts packing his bag, changing the music on his phone from his classical study playlist to his emo rock playlist. He considers texting Rey and asking her if she’s free later when he remembers their last interaction. _You don’t have to try and fill his shoes or something_. He forces his shoulders to relax from their sudden tightness.

 

As he approaches the dining hall and pulls open the door, he hears a sound above the din of student chatter that makes him freeze. His heart races – because apparently Rey’s laugh is all it takes for his body to lose its shit – and realizes how truly unprepared he is to see her. Afraid of confronting Rey after he straight up lied about his feelings for her, Ben awkwardly maneuvers around the people flowing through the doors and leans against a wall by the bathrooms. He prays she can’t see him from this angle.

 

Glancing between the cafeteria and his stomach, he takes a calming breath and forces himself to walk in. _She’s just a girl!_ he shouts at himself, _You can handle this very minor task!_ _Yeah_ , he mentally responds, _just a girl I love who happens to be cheating on her boyfriend with me, no biggie!_

 

He forces himself to focus on the lyrics to the song playing through his headphones, the menu on a stand a few feet away, anything but thoughts of Rey. Then she laughs again, and he can’t help but crane his neck in search of her, against his better judgment.

 

He immediately whips his head back around.

 

She’s sitting on a couch and leaning against her boyfriend, his arm around her waist, her face pressed into his shoulder. He catches sight of her brilliant smile when she laughs at something a man wearing a rugby jersey that matches her boyfriend’s is saying. He chances another quick peek since the line of people waiting for food hasn’t moved.

 

_Fuck._ He can’t look away as she wraps an arm around his neck and snuggles closer to him. _Maybe she is a cuddler_ , his mind cruelly suggests, _just not with you_.

 

And suddenly it’s all too much. The reality of her relationship is the most unexpected punch in the gut. He knew about him, sure, but he’s never seen them together, and somehow Rey’s touches always felt so personal, too intimate to be shared with anyone else.

 

The thought of food now makes him feel sick and he speed walks out of the cafeteria as fast as his legs will carry him. Once he reaches the grass of the quad outside, he breaks into a run towards the library parking lot. His chemistry textbook slams into his back and his lungs work to readjust to his impromptu sprint and his mind cycles his worst fears to the rhythm: _I can’t do this I can’t do this she loves him you mean nothing to her_.

 

***

 

After his stomach calms down enough to handle food, he forces down the leftover Thai food in his fridge and decides to go to the gym to sort through the mess of emotions running through his mind.

 

As he walks from the parking lot to the gym, he hears a cheer rise from a small crowd gathered at the periphery of some sporting event. He tosses a casual glance at the sports fields to the left of the entrance and that’s when he sees the man who made Rey laugh in the cafeteria give Rey’s boyfriend a kind of hug-tackle that nearly takes down the both of them. Then, because God, or the Force, or whatever hates him, he sees Rey run from the stands and fucking leap into the arms of her boyfriend who has managed to disentangle himself from his teammate. He twirls her in a circle and when he puts her down she and Ben lock eyes. Her cheeks are flushed from happiness and the sun is picking up the golden streaks in her hair. _She’s so beautiful_.

 

His mouth curls up at the corner and he’s about to lift his hand to wave at her. _What was I even nervous about?_ But then her look of recognition shifts to one of regret and shame and he can taste Thai food. He looks down, lips pursed, and slowly turns around without acknowledging her further. He walks away in a way he hopes exudes calmness, reminding himself with each step not to hunch over or walk too fast lest she catch on to the fact that she’s hurt him.

 

He slides into his car and is he having an allergic reaction to the grass or something? He rubs at his eyes and his hands come away wet.

 

_What did I expect? She doesn’t care about me._

 

It occurs to him that he should really stop torturing himself, hoping for the impossible because in his head it feels inevitable. _Just because you are hers doesn’t mean she is yours_ , he thinks, drying his eyes.

 

The entire drive home he tries to compose the perfect way to break off their… whatever it is… If he sees her in person he knows he’ll never be able to choke out the truth – isn’t even sure which truth would come out if he tried.

 

As he pulls into the parking lot in front of his apartment building all he can think is _I can’t do this anymore_ and then he’s struck by the thought: _How can she?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I've been really enjoying the fic-writing process so I'm going to open my inbox to requests. Just comment things (aus, tropes, songs, etc.) you want to see and if I feel inspired I may write some stuff!
> 
> As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!! :)


	4. Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is late, writer's block is so fun!!
> 
> As always, thanks to my beta IceFox416 :)
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos!

She is ready, huge smile plastered on her face, when the U of A bus pulls into the parking lot of the rec center. The tinted windows keep her from discerning which seat Finn is in, but as soon as he steps one sneakered foot onto the pavement she runs up to hug him.

 

“How was the tournament? Did you whoop Arizona State’s ass?” she asks, grabbing his hands excitedly. “Hell yeah we did!” Finn replies, high-fiving Poe as he passes and flashing him a huge smile. “Congrats!” she exclaims, throwing her arms around his waist. She’d missed the comfort and security that come with Finn’s hugs. How she always knows where she stands in their relationship. She needs that now more than ever.

 

“Unfortunately, we only get one day off before we play Stanford tomorrow, so how does a night in sound to you?” Finn asks, allowing some of his exhaustion to show. “Perfect,” she smiles, “let’s get you home.”

 

***

 

The next afternoon, she, Finn, and Poe agree to grab lunch together before the guys’ rugby game. As Poe treats her to the story of the, quote, “hotel from hell” they had stayed in for the weekend, Rey laughs harder than she had in a while. She hadn’t realized that all of the emotions she felt around Ben had affected her so deeply until she had hugged Finn and felt guilt taint the feeling of safety she expected. And yet she was still leaning on him and pressing her face into his neck. Physical intimacy had never been a big deal with them, but it felt almost urgent now that she knew she might lose him.

 

_Physical intimacy isn’t a problem with Ben either_ she mentally chastises herself. As much as she loves Finn’s hugs and presence, she finds herself wishing the body she was tucked into were Ben’s. She wants to kiss the small mole on his neck that always makes him go wild. Wants him to give her that look that never fails to send shivers down her spine. Wants to be curled against him while they sleep. Or all the time…

 

But she can’t. She knows that crossing the emotional boundary between them would only hurt everyone more since she can’t be serious about him or date him in public.

 

After Poe finishes telling his story, Rey makes some excuse about studying for her chemistry final and promises to be at the field by 3:00. As she sits in her room, rereading the same sentence in her chemistry textbook over and over and over, Rey reaches the decision that today will be the day. She has to come clean and hope that Finn will understand.

 

***

 

During the last minute of play, Finn scores a try that wins them the game against Stanford. The stands erupt in cheers as Poe wraps his arms around him, twin grins painting their sweat-soaked faces. Rey breaks away from her front row seat, overjoyed. She runs up to Finn and jumps into his arms. He spins her around and laughs, his smile blinding. As soon as he sets her down and her giggles subside, she looks over his shoulder and freezes.

 

Ben is standing there. Watching her. Watching them.

 

She wills the corners of her mouth to lift in some form of greeting, as if he were just some guy she knew from chem and not the man she’d been fucking behind Finn’s back. But all she can think is that Ben doesn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have to watch her shower someone else with affection. _But Finn doesn’t deserve my lies._

 

She looks back to Finn and sees Poe’s arms wrapped around him again, leading him with the rest of the team towards the locker rooms. “We’ll be out in 30!” he calls, and she motions for them to go on while she gathers her stuff. She looks back to where Ben had been but he is gone.

 

40 minutes later, Finn walks up to where Rey is bopping her head to her throwback playlist. As their eyes meet they both know something has changed. Finn’s hands are shaking.

 

“Can we talk?” she asks warily, reading the tension in his shoulders. “Can I actually say something first?” Finn replies tentatively, wringing his hands. A nervous smile creeps onto his face and builds in strength once Rey nods and motions for him to speak. “Poe and I talked, and I think we’re ready to be official about… us.”

 

“What? Really! That’s great!” Rey replies with honest excitement. “What changed?” she asks, more tentatively. “Well…” he begins, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck, “the guys kind of caught us making out in the locker room a little while ago… that’s why I’m late. Sorry… by the way…” he stammers.

 

“It’s totally fine!” she reassures him, placing her hand over his larger one. Then, hesitantly, she asks, “How did they react?” Finn's eyes meet hers and they look misty. “They were so cool about it,” he admits, disbelief echoing in his tone. “I heard one guy actually say ‘Finally!’ when he heard. Like, we could have been out and together for so much longer,” he laments, voice cracking towards the end. He looks towards the clouds and sighs, “If we’d just been braver…”

 

Rey instantly puts her arms around him. “Oh honey, no. You can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know how the team would react. You weren’t being weak; you were being cautious. And look on the bright side! At least you don’t have to deal with a super clingy beard anymore,” she jokes, pointing at herself. “No! You were great,” he laughs, to Rey’s relief. “But, Poe and I are ready to do this for real and we want everyone to know.” Rey tightens her arms around him and blinks away her own tears. “I am so happy for you.”

 

“As a symbol of your gratitude, would you mind letting me have the apartment tonight?” he asks, half jokingly and half nervously. “Of course!” she replies with a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows, elbowing him playfully in the side.

 

“So, what was it you wanted to tell me?” Finn asks, remembering the beginning of their conversation and turning to look at her more directly. Rey’s palms begin to sweat, and she rubs them down the legs of her jeans and looks down, mumbling softly, “Oh, uh… I think I met someone.” She looks up from under her lashes, cautious. It feels good to finally lift the weight of all that Ben means off of her shoulders, but she also doesn’t know how Finn will react to the weight of her words.

 

She feels the need to justify taking the risk of outing her friend and seeing someone else, so her mouth moves a mile a minute and her hands flail expressively. “He is amazing and smart and such a dork and he makes me laugh but he thinks I’m cheating on you with him and he probably just wants me for sex but maybe that’s because that’s what I told him I wanted and I don’t know… I can just see myself falling in love with him… what do I do?”

 

In response to the pleading in her voice, Finn immediately gasps, “Rey! Why didn’t you tell him you’re single?” She shrugs, avoiding eye contact again, “I didn’t want to risk sabotaging your relationship with Poe and it’s not my right to out you. I just care about you too much but I also really care about him and I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings. Assuming they’re not already hurt. I think he saw me hugging you after the game…” she finally sighs dejectedly, playing with the strings of her University of Arizona Rugby hoodie.

 

“Shoot,” Finn sighs, running a hand through his short hair. “This is so much to process, wow, give me a second… I mean clearly you like him a lot or you would probably be more capable of forming actual coherent sentences,” he jokes, bumping her shoulder with his own and giving her a small smile. “I think, considering the situation, you should just be honest with him, you know? Ask him out for coffee, sit down, and put your feelings out there. Who knows, maybe he likes you too,” he suggests. “And, I mean, why wouldn’t he? Hello! You’re amazing,” he reassures her, looping an arm around her shoulders.

 

She leans into his warmth with a sigh of both contentment and nervousness. “Easier said than done, Finn. What if he flat out rejects me? I don’t even know what I’d do… it would be so awkward seeing him in chem every week,” she groans, running a hand through her hair.

 

“But won’t it be worse to keep your relationship – or whatever you two are doing to each other – going and have your feelings get deeper only to find out too late that he isn’t interested?” he asks, giving her a concerned look. “I say bite the bullet, Rey,” he advises, taking her hand and stroking it with his thumb.

 

After a long, deep exhale Rey sets her shoulders back and nods. “You’re right, I can be an emotionally mature adult. I’m going to text him right now.”

 

She picks up her phone to text Ben about meeting up somewhere when she sees a text from him from a few minutes ago.

 

And suddenly it feels as if gravity itself has shifted and the weight of the world is pressing down on her chest. Every muscle in her body tenses as she reads his message, once, twice, eight times.

 

_I’ve lost him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there!
> 
> Also, my inbox is always open for fic requests
> 
> See ya next week :)


	5. The Text

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil bonus because suspense is fun

Ben:

5:52 – I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so technically I'm posting this a little bit late, but May the Fourth be with you anyway!
> 
> I can't believe this fic is almost finished, and I want to thank all of you who have left the sweetest comments. They always make me smile, and I love the feedback.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :))

Ben stares at the Do Not Disturb icon on his phone, unsure whether or not to press the small moon and trick himself into thinking that she doesn’t care. _Do I want the truth? Can I even handle a reply?_

 

What he really wants is to be in her arms, to feel her fingers comb through his hair.

 

_Like that will ever happen again_ , he laments _._ She’d only done it once, when she’d thought he was asleep, but as soon as he’d sighed, she’d frozen and slowly disentangled herself from him.

 

Half of him wants her to call him and prove to him that she cares. The other half wants her to never answer, to fade out of his life and let him have the clean break he knows he doesn’t deserve.

 

_She might not even be upset!_ he reminds himself. _Maybe she’s moved on._

 

_She’s got a boyfriend anyway._

 

***

 

_I’ve lost him._

 

Panic settles in her stomach after the eighth reread. _What did I do?_ Did this mean she would never be able to be around Ben again outside of a classroom? Never be able to feel his lips on hers, or hear his soft breaths as he slept next to her? _Maybe one of his friends took his phone_ , she thinks, knowing it’s a lie, knowing she’s the only person he’s trusted with the confession that his password is his mother’s birthday.

 

Rey tries not to blink and looks at the sky, unable to make eye contact with Finn as she fights back tears.

 

“Guess it doesn’t matter what I want, anyway.” She holds up her phone at his confused look so that he can read Ben’s text.

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“What?” she asks, too confused to avoid his eyes any longer. He holds her gaze and slowly repeats himself in the softest voice she’s ever heard him use. “Bullshit your feelings don’t matter. You are both in this mess together and he doesn’t get to toss you aside like that.” Somehow his words simultaneously make her feel better and build her anger. She feels the absurd need to defend Ben even as he throws away everything she thought they had.

 

She tries to justify his actions as much for her own benefit as Ben’s; “He thinks I’m in a relationship! He probably thinks this won’t matter to me!” she argues, angry but unsure at whom. Then, softly, her anger fades and she is slammed by a wave of painful clarity. “It probably doesn’t matter to him… I probably don’t matter to him. This is… this was… no big deal.” The tears fall then and she puts both hands over her mouth to keep everything in. The feelings, the tears, the broken part of her heart that wants out of her chest.

 

“Oh no, sweetie,” Finn opens his arms and cradles her head, because he knows. A small, discolored patch starts to form on his shoulder but he doesn’t shrug away. He lets her release the tears, the tension in her muscles, slowly, knows not to push her. Knows vulnerability is a luxury they couldn’t afford for so long that it feels off limits.

 

***

 

Ben stays up later than he should. He tries watching Netflix but absorbs nothing, checking his phone every two minutes. Eventually he closes his computer and stares into space, thoughts swirling.

 

_What have I done_?

 

***

 

Poe doesn’t come over that night. She and Finn sit on the couch and don’t talk for a while. Then she decides to talk, and he listens.

 

***

 

Ben's phone is vibrating. The light coming through his window is blinding. _Fuck, did I oversleep_? he curses, groaning as he scrambles out of his tangled sheets. He hears a thud and picks his phone up off the ground. But it’s not his alarm. It’s Rey.

 

“Hello?”

 

“I’m outside, let me in.”


	7. Ben and Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! As you can probably tell, this chapter is almost a month late. I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to post. I wanted this chapter to be perfect and honestly didn't feel like working on it for a while once school ended. That said, I really enjoyed writing this and I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. I definitely want to write more in the future and would love your advice and prompt requests and ideas so feel free to chat with me in the comments. Thank you to everyone who left kudos and subscribed and bookmarked and just generally supported this fic :))) Lastly, a huge thank you goes out to my beta IceFox416 for being an amazing and supportive friend.
> 
> Anyway, now that all of that is out of the way, enjoy chapter 7 :)

“Be right down…” he replies, voice cracking, body frozen.

 

Ben tries to remind his legs how to work as he cautiously approaches his door. He runs a hand through his hair quickly and straightens his shirt before pulling the door open.

 

He doesn’t even get out a “Hello” before Rey is pushing her way into his apartment and turning on him, the anger in her eyes forcing him against the door as he closes it.

 

“A fucking text!?” she growls, eyes flashing. “You didn’t have the decency to tell me in person? Not on any of the Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays we have class together?” she lists, counting each out on her fingers. “I mean, hell, we’ve been doing this thing for three months now, I figured communication wouldn’t be such a huge issue. I … I know I’m just some girl you fuck on the side but...” he winces and she trails off.

 

“Do I really mean that little to you?” she asks, more quietly, looking up at him with those goddamn hazel eyes. He feels a stab in his heart and then reminds himself that he shouldn’t be shouldering all the blame.

 

“You mean everything to me!” he chokes out, his confession finally freed from his chest. And now he feels his own emotions taking control. Ben plows through the rest of the feelings he didn’t have the courage to put into the text. “I know that wasn’t the most mature way to deal with the situation, but it was the best I could do. _I_ mean nothing to _you_! And that breaks me, every day. Every time I see you. Excuse me for not wanting to go through that anymore.” He ignores the cracks in his voice and hopes she does too.

 

“What do you mean I don’t care about you?” she replies, looking genuinely confused.

 

“You have a boyfriend!” he can’t help but shout. “How dare you accuse me of not caring about you enough when you are in a committed relationship with someone else!”

 

“He’s gay!” she shouts back, throwing up her arms.

 

That’s when he freezes, her words invading his emotional haze. “What?” he replies quietly, face pinched in confusion, anger frozen into shock.

 

“I’ve wanted to tell you all along,” she says sadly, eyes glassy as she tugs a hand through her hair. “Finn wanted to date Poe, a guy on the rugby team,” she clarifies, “but they weren’t sure how the team would respond or if they’d lose their scholarships for ‘making people uncomfortable’ or whatever homophobic bullshit their coaches could make up. Finn asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend so that they wouldn’t suspect anything. I couldn’t put them in danger. Finn has been all I’ve had for so long, and then you came along…” she sighs, gesturing towards him but looking into the distance with an oddly fond look.

 

“Wait Finn has been gay this whole time?” Ben murmurs, trying to catch up. “But… so… have the feelings between you two ever been romantic?”

 

“No! He’s like my brother!” Rey confirms, voice returning. “I promise I would never cheat on my significant other, ever. I would never want to put you in that situation… hypothetically of course I mean we aren’t dating… but if we were…”

 

She continues, voice quieting further, a resigned calm slipping into her features. “I… just wanted to be around you, as soon as we met. I don’t know if you feel it too, but I feel this pull towards you whenever you’re around and I think about you all the time and I’ve wanted to tell you for so long… and now you say you can’t…” she breaks off, choking back tears and covering her mouth with her palm. _Breathe, Rey_.

 

Ben takes one tentative step forward and when she doesn’t move he wraps his arms around her and pulls her against his chest as tightly as he can without suffocating her.

 

“I feel it too,” he whispers into her hair.

 

A hitch in Rey’s breath breaks through her sniffles and she looks up at him.

 

“Then why did you want to end it?”

 

He sighs. “Rey, I thought you were in love with him. With Finn,” he corrects. “I felt like shit, I didn’t want to be the guy that broke up a loving relationship. Hooking up with you in the first place, knowing you were seeing someone else, was wrong, and self-destructive, and… I don’t know I guess I just wish I was a better person, but I can’t imagine my life without you either. I just… still feel bad about intruding, even though it was fake,” he confesses face twisting sadly as he turns from her gaze.

 

She pulls back from his embrace with a sigh and tilts his chin to look into his eyes for a few silent seconds. Then she trails her hand to his shoulder and presses firmly on it. He gets the hint and bends over a bit more. She pushes him onto his knees until she’s finally taller than him.

 

“Are you going to knight me?” he cracks, and there’s that smile he dreams about. “No you dork! Just get on your knees, you’re ruining the moment,” she playfully scolds.

 

He obeys and then she takes his face in her hands, thumbs stroking his jaw. Their eyes connect for a few more tender seconds. The air feels heavy again. He’s missed her touch – missed her – so much.

 

“Ben Solo,” she finally says with conviction, “You are worthy, you are a good man, and I am half sorry that I morally corrupted you. I’m only half sorry because… because I care about you. A lot. And I’m not sorry that we met, I’m just sorry that I let you believe that you had something to be sorry for when you were with me.”

 

He closes his eyes, and she pulls him close and now he can’t even feel the pain in his knees from kneeling on his hardwood floors. She runs a hand through his hair and kisses the top of his head. He wraps his arms around her hips and just breathes her in.

 

_This has to be a dream._

 

***

 

Neither of them is aware of how long they stay in the entryway before Ben looks up at Rey with a pained smile. “Rey, as much as I don’t want to move, I need to stand up. My knees are killing me.”

 

“If you must,” she sighs, then smiles and lets go of him. He stretches out his sore limbs and then, before she can respond, picks her up in a fireman’s carry, slung over his shoulder.

 

“You woke me up early, so as your punishment you have to nap with me until at least 10:30,” he declares, as her squeals of protestation melt into playful laughter.

 

He places her gently on his bed and climbs under the covers next to her, arms immediately circling around her waist. After savoring the touch for a few seconds, she wriggles out of his arms so that she’s far enough away to face him clearly.

 

“Sick of cuddling already?” he teases, as she pushes a stray strand of hair back from his forehead tenderly.

 

“I would rather take you on a real date,” she replies boldly. “Like one in public. Not at your house. But maybe with cuddling afterwards.”

 

“Hmm…” he hums, stroking his chin in exaggerated thought, “I’ll have to think about it.”

 

“Ben!” she exclaims, giggling.

 

“This is an important decision! Do I only get one? Either we cuddle or we go out on a date? I may have to live my life as your cuddle-only companion. Wait, no, I’ve got it! I’m your cuddle courtesan, fated to cuddle you forever but never be asked on a date,” he counters, trying hard to mask his smile, eyes shimmering with mirth despite his best efforts.

 

“Is that really how we’re establishing this relationship?” she replies, faking exasperation. “You’re not my boyfriend? You’re my…” she shudders, “'cuddle courtesan'? Where do you even come up with these things?” She hides her face in her palm in an attempt to seem disappointed while also hiding her smile.

 

“I don’t know,” he laughs.

 

“So what I’m hearing,” she clarifies, “is that you don’t want to date me.”

 

“Allow me to rephrase,” he replies, taking her hand and kissing it gently, “I will gladly cuddle you at any point, big spoon or little, whichever you prefer, and will also date you in public and attend these ‘dates’ you seem so keen on. As for defining our relationship, I will accept the title of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘cuddle courtesan’” he announces, smiling widely and kissing her hand again.

 

“Thank you for clarifying,” she snickers, finally breaking into full-bodied laughs at the same time as Ben when she meets his eyes and the absurdity of the situation hits them both.

 

“Also, Rey,” he adds after a minute, smile softer and eyes full of adoration.

 

“Yes,” she replies, sure she looks about the same.

 

“I really care about you a lot too,” he says softly.

 

“I almost loved you, but then you said ‘cuddle courtesan’ so now I’m reconsidering,” she smiles, pressing a soft kiss to his bottom lip.

 

“I’ll wait,” he replies, cupping her chin and kissing her fully before pressing fluttering kisses to her cheeks, nose, and temples.

 

When he pulls back and looks into her eyes again, he finds he’s content to remain lost in them forever. For once they’re on the same page.

**Author's Note:**

> I already have most of this written and I plan on updating this weekly, so check back next Friday :)
> 
> Here's a link to the song that I do not own:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIDzcpBYHaU


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